Opposition as a Relational Path, not Pathology
Instead of Biting Back….
Instead of racing to the quickest fix to solve distress, to eradicate unruly behavior, to demand a child to focus, to stop a tantrum at any age, to bite back at behavior problems, what about listening deeper for the relational and developmental cry for help? Here’s an opportunity for caregivers to get curious, to pause, to stay with the heat that arises, and to invite embodied connection that celebrates the mismatch. If mismatch, sometimes viewed as “opposition” is not relationally met in a trauma-informed way, it’s bound to appear later in another form.
Co-Regulation: Parents/Teachers/Caregivers/Helpers as Holding Environment
In a relationship where an understood power differential is present (parent to child, teacher to student, helper to client), a predictable, ongoing environment of co-regulation from the caregiver is necessary for executive functioning and eventual development of self-regulation for the student/child/client. Despite our culture’s overemphasis and premature expectation of self-regulation, developing resilience and a robust but regulated nervous system, aka Social Engagement system, requires a steady dose of co-regulation. The caregiver with the power authority is the “holding environment,” the safe place to land (match), and ideally the safe place to push away (mismatch).
“Fighting Rhythms” as Innately Developmental but Historically Over-Controlled
In addition to Tronick and Gold’s normalization of the “messiness” of mismatch as a path toward deepening relationships, child psychiatrist Judith Kestenberg’s longtime research highlights developmental rhythms based on body-mind, neurobiological and social-experiential influence. Kestenberg named two alternating rhythms: “indulging” and “fighting.” The indulging rhythms offer qualities of connecting and soothing while fighting rhythms offer qualities of differentiating and separateness. These are important to recognize and appreciate during infancy, toddlerhood and particularly during the pubescent period as both sexes have a rise in testosterone that can present as a noticeable increase of the “fighting” rhythms, sometimes labeled as “oppositional.”
If the “fighting” rhythms are shut down, shamed, dismissed, behaviorally “managed or tolerated,” or otherwise interpreted as “problematic” or pathologized, those movement expressions can become inhibited, possibly masked as the “good child," and possibly re-emerge in maladaptive, confusing, harmful or compulsive ways.
When the holding environment—the caregiver—becomes triggered by a child’s mismatch, the child’s movement expressions and attempts to communicate are likely to become inhibited. As trauma expert Peter Levine notes, trauma is not what happens to us, trauma is inhibited movement expression.
The Need for Elders to Support Both Matching and Mismatching Dynamics
Therefore, it’s important to refrain from hastily pathologizing behavior, “tossing away” one’s interest, or defining a child as “not a fit”, and rather, get more curious about the presentation of the mismatch as possibly one’s implicit cry for connection that can either be developmentally appropriate or indeed a trauma response.
Kestenberg’s fighting rhythms are developmental and relational. They are not a result of trauma. When these movement expressions become inhibited, they are accompanied with the traumatic fight or flight response. The child desperately questions, “Can anyone hold my deepest hunger to be known?”
When elders are educated about and equipped with being able to “catch” behavior or movement by relational connection, and then by helping to channel the energy into creative outlets or provide appropriate limits, a child’s need for connection and healing can result in, “Maybe all of me is finally welcome here.”
Trauma-informed Healing Approaches for Deep Nourishment
Many trauma-informed healing approaches involve “discharging” these inhibited moves and processing these dissociated relational needs (Waking the Tiger by Peter Levine and The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk). Many trauma-informed healing approaches also encourage connection, calm and safety as the path toward regulation.
In an effort to appreciate not only the “indulging” rhythms but also the “fighting” rhythms for self expression and healthy development, Chi for Two® offers developmental, relational practices to help re-pattern nervous system functioning and developmental patterns of embodiment. This multi-generational trauma healing method helps to awaken energy as well as a fulfilling sense of embodiment, an aliveness and eventual capacity to self-regulate. It celebrates one’s unique potential to shine, to feel an aliveness in body-mind-spirit, in a deeply nourished way.
When elders, parents, educators and caregivers get to explore specific developmental somatic practices with a Chi for Two trained practitioner, they develop a greater capacity to be the steady container for children in their care. Instead of only being able to appreciate the “calm,” elders are better able to set boundaries rather than bite. They are better able to celebrate mismatch rather than dismiss preference. Elders begin to discover their own expanded presence and a more robust movement vocabulary that helps to connect and support both the dances of connection and individuation children need.
M-Bodied Therapy and Coaching are both grounded in the principles and practices of Chi for Two, an ISMETA Approved Training Program. M-Bodied offers individuals, couples, family and parent support in addition to groups and professional trainings.